It’s always easier to see the smile on someone’s face than it is to see the pain behind their eyes. Our tendency to focus on the smile allows us to hide behind the belief that everything is fine, offering a welcomed reprieve to ignore the responsibility of further investigation. Maybe it’s the fear of intrusion. Maybe it’s the avoidance of discomfort. Or maybe, the acknowledgment would unwittingly expose our own pain, ultimately risking the stability of our own smile.
Whatever the reason, the sad reality is that the lack of acknowledgment only serves to compound the existing pain by shrouding it in isolation, shame, and darkness. For it is the perceived invisibility that inevitably makes you feel abnormal, inadequate, ashamed, and weak. And it is the resulting silence that forces you to compare yourself to the smiles you see on the faces of so many others, leading you to seek comfort in things that do not challenge your vulnerability and that cannot pass judgment; dangerous things that trick you into feeling a sense of happiness and normalcy, however fleeting.
At some point, we have all inadvertently and unintentionally silenced the pain of another with clichéd words of positivity, a joke, a comparative anecdote, a quick brush off, or a fun night out as very few have the patience and strength it takes to reach in and pull back the curtain. It’s uncomfortable, it’s exhausting, and it’s oftentimes met with self-protective, instinctual hostility meant to stifle the effort entirely. Yet not doing so may one day have a consequence you are not prepared to suffer.
My brother's death was that consequence. His pain was always there, hiding just behind his eyes, but very few were ever able or willing to see past the plastered smile and veiled belly laughs that served to conceal. So the lesson he leaves behind is that if you profess to care about someone you absolutely owe it to them to dig deeper, to see their pain and to acknowledge their struggle. Because to truly love someone, is to love all of them and for some, the pain is just as much a part of the package as the smile.
National Overdose Awareness Day 8/31/21